


help me find you again

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Comics), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Dealing With Guilt, Fix-It, M/M, Post Winter Soldier Comic, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Think he was using me. Okay, yeah, I know he was. But I thought I had a stake in it…thought I was getting rid of SHIELD's dirty laundry and I guess my own demons. When it was over…" He trails off and buries his head in his hands.</p>
<p>"When it was over?" She gives in and nudges him.</p>
<p>"I was left in the rubble and- Tes- there was a woman and she was <i>dead</i> and Fury was nowhere."</p>
            </blockquote>





	help me find you again

**Author's Note:**

> I started this before issue 19 came out, so some slight differences from Latour's ending. This all started with a conversation wondering what would happen if Maria Hill was there to pick Bucky up out of the rubble and bring him back into the fold. And for troublehaifindelheim for dealing with my 'oh fuck what am i doing' panics.
> 
> Title from Gin Wigmore's Saturday Smile

Sharon sits back and watches as Steve pushes the nurse away and beelines to Bucky. Bucky looks just as startled as the nurse to suddenly be wrapped up by Steve. He looks exhausted - as exhausted as Steve - but Steve is the super soldier. After a moment, Bucky slumps against Steve, letting him hold his weight. Steve gently guides Bucky back towards the bed, pulling him down beside him.

Bucky's head rests on Steve's shoulder and stays there as the nurse goes back to her job, drawing blood from Steve. He barely seems to notice her, everything focused on Bucky.

"What'd I walk in on?" Bucky mumbles.

"Just a routine check up." Steve kisses the top of Bucky's head, pausing with his nose still buried in Bucky’s hair. Sharon has seen that expression on his face enough times to know Steve is reassuring himself this is real. "I thought you were dead,” he whispers, Sharon isn’t sure if she’s even meant to hear it. Leaving now would only make things awkward, so she stays and watches, keeps an eye on them both.

"No, I-" Bucky closes his eyes for a minute and, when he opens them again, he's looking right at Sharon, pleading silently with her. "It's a mess, Steve."

Sharon gets carefully to her feet, not sure what Bucky is asking of her, but she thinks she has an idea. "Come on, let's get you coffee. We'll be right back, Steve. Want anything?"

"Nah, I'll be fine."

Bucky's fingers brush Steve's cheek as he stands but otherwise doesn't touch. Sharon waits until they're out the room and around the corner before saying anything. "Well?" She asks.

"I- I thought it was the right thing to do. But…" He leans heavily against a wall and slides down into a crouch. Sharon sighs and lowers herself down in front of him. Dealing with getting Steve to Medical for this check up has been draining enough.

"Talk to me, Barnes."

"I got talked down a path by Fury." A fine tremor runs through him. Sharon starts to wish Sam was here, he's better with emotions but if this is about Fury, then she knows it has to be her.

"What happened?" She asks, trying to sound gentle.

"Think he was using me." She doesn't do a good back of smothering her snort and Bucky shoots her a derisory smile. "Okay, yeah, I know he was. But I thought I had a stake in it…thought I was getting rid of SHIELD's dirty laundry and I guess my own demons. When it was over…" He trails off and buries his head in his hands.

Sharon moves to sit beside him and waits a moment. She has enough experience with stubborn men to know she just has to wait, even though she's not good at being patient, and, if they're there too long, Steve's going to come looking. "When it was over?" She gives in and nudges him, she can't be that patient with him while Steve is waiting.

"I was left in the rubble and- Tes- there was a woman and she was _dead_ and Fury was nowhere."

He slumps down into a ball and Sharon rests a hand on his back, hoping it's comforting. "How'd you get back?"

"Hill. She showed up. Brought me back." He rubs at his eyes and Sharon pretends she doesn't see how red they are. "Gonna work out some arrangement. Let me keep working."

"You sure that's the right idea?"

Bucky gives a weak shrug. "No but I can't just sit." He takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. So close, she can feel that it only half works but she doesn't fight him when he stands. "Thanks. For listening."

She accepts the hand he offers to get back to her feet. "You're going to have to tell Steve."

For a second, a look of horror crosses Bucky's face. This isn't just about some crazy plot that Bucky had been dragged into. There's an entire emotional shitstorm he was trying to hide. He couldn't do it forever. Sharon knew that and she knew Bucky knew it too. "Sharon-"

"If you hurt him, in _any_ way, I will tear out your fingernails and shove them in your eyeballs." She cups his face so he can't look away. "Being Hill's new favorite won't save you."

"Understood." A small glimmer of the cocky smile she remembers from years ago darts over his lips. "Ma'am." His smile turns shy and he ducks in to kiss her on the cheek. "Thank you. For being there for him."

"Someone had to be."

The jab hits his mark, she can see it in his eyes. "Well, I'm happy it was you. You're good for him. Better than-"

"Don't say it." She nudges him to get him to start walking. Steve will wonder where they are if they take much longer. "He wants you." He hunches over while they walk, the weight of the world dragging him down. There's nothing she can do to take his weight, it's his to carry. It's not her place to even try but Steve is waiting and maybe he can do something.

Steve curls an arm around Bucky. "I want to take you home," he murmurs. He glances over at Sharon but she shakes her head before he can say anything.

"I need to stay here and make sure no one steals your blood for nefarious purposes." She squeezes his hand and pauses, thinking she should say something to Bucky.

"I know," he whispers. She nods, not sure what's going through Bucky's head, but if it keeps him on track without her having to come up with a sappy speech, then even better.

"Good." She turns quickly on her heel to make her way to the lab the doctors would be working in.

-

The call from Hill comes while they're lazing together on the couch. Bucky still hasn't told Steve what he'd been through or why he'd come back looking so worn out. Steve doesn't want to push it. He wants Bucky to trust him on his own.

Hill tells him to come by SHIELD the next day and put Bucky on the phone. Steve pretends he can't hear what she's saying but his ears pick it up anyway. She's ordering Bucky to go with him and report to a doctor.

For a second Bucky looks like he's going to argue but then the fight just leaves him and he mumbles an affirmative. The phone is dropped to the floor and Steve holds Bucky close. It's been weeks since Arlington and Novokov. He understood Bucky's need to run, to get lost to find himself. But letting him go, time after time, wears on Steve.

"She saved my life," Bucky mumbles, pushing himself away from Steve. "I was doing a job for Fury and he disappeared at the end." He rubs his hands roughly through his hair, trying to shock himself awake or back to reality (Steve isn't sure which).

"It's okay. You don't need to tell me." 

Bucky looks ready to argue but he stops himself just like he did with Hill. When Steve reaches for him, he lets himself be pulled down, resting his head on Steve's chest. 

"Just stay this time," Steve whispers. "Please."

"Don't want to leave again." His hand finds Steve's entwining their fingers. "I need…I think I just need a break."

"I'm here," Steve murmurs, hoping it's enough.

Bucky lets out a breath and presses closer. After everything with Natasha, Steve isn't sure what Bucky wants from him. Their relationship has never been defined; it's never needed to be. But things have been changing, slowly but surely, the entire world moving under their feet. They're going to drag each other down. It's just a question of how hard they're going to hit bottom.

The next morning, Bucky doesn't say anything as they go into SHIELD. Nothing but a touch to Steve's wrist before he disappears off to whatever doctor Hill wanted him to see and Steve finds his way to her office. She's there, waiting, and gestures for him to take a seat.

"Barnes is staying with you?" She jumps in with no warning.

"Yes ma'am. Is that a problem?" He sits a little straighter, getting ready to make it clear she has no say on his relationships.

"No," she flicks a wrist dismissively. "That's not an issue. But if he's staying with you, I want you on the same page. While I agree with Fury that you have to hold on to your secrets, these need to be shared."

Steve's fists clench in his lap. She's waiting for an answer so Steve forces his mouth to move. " _You're_ going to tell me what Bucky's keeping hidden?"

"Yes. It was an issue of national security and now your security. He killed the head of a terrorist organization, an organization that recruited highly trained operatives, some trained in the image of the Winter Soldier himself." She shuffles some of the papers around on her desk. Something about the sound of rustling paper catches Steve's attention and refuses to let go. "With Tesla dead and her agents in the wind, we don't know who or what might target Barnes. And we would rather not lose Captain America in the crossfire."

Steve forces his hands to open. He can see her point. "So what do I need to know?"

"Barnes went after a Department X trainer named Father Hammer who trained children to be assassins. Hammer was dead but Barnes' path led him to Tesla Terasova. I'll spare you the details, but Barnes is the one who came home." She leans back in her chair, fixing him with a hard look. "It's against my better judgment to bring Barnes into SHIELD, but I prefer to know where men like him are at."

"Men like him?"

"And I'd prefer him on my payroll then off it," she continues as if he hadn't spoken. "He's a mental wreck, which I'm sure you know. Fury used that to use Bucky."

Steve hopes his anguish doesn't show on his face. He wishes he could have convinced Bucky to stay. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe he could have saved Bucky some of his pain but Steve has never had a good track record with saving Bucky from pain. "So what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to try to get him stable so that when I send him out into the field, I feel pretty sure he's not going to get himself killed." She isn't asking him for permission or his opinion. "I need you on board because that whole getting better thing? He needs you backing him up."

"You don't have to ask." 

Hill looks at him for a long moment but Steve refuses to be judged by her on this. "Where is he now? Who is this doctor you ordered him to see?"

"A therapist. One of the best on staff. Barnes' problems aren't going to be solved by him punching things. Much as all you capes are convinced otherwise." Steve nods wordlessly. She has a point and this isn't up for debate. She's giving him the facts and that's it. He gets up, dismissing himself, but she reaches forward to stop him. "Steve, I want what's best for Bucky. And if you have any input, please tell me."

"I will."

-

Steve waits for Bucky's appointment to finish. It's become routine now. Once a week, Steve escorts Bucky to the doctor and settles in the waiting room with a book. He hasn't always made it; he still has to be Captain America. Sometimes, he wishes he could just turn that off and focus on being a friend. But he's tried that, and he's tried being someone else, and it's never worked well.

He's lost somewhere between his thoughts and his book when someone flicks his forehead. He manages to control his instincts before punching Bucky in the gut. "You idiot," he grumbles while he gets to his feet. Bucky shrugs and doesn't say anything. He never says much after his sessions. Sometimes, Steve thinks Bucky looks a little happier, a little less exhausted with the world.

They take the subway back. Bucky manages to grab a seat but Steve stays standing. A lurch almost makes him stumble and Bucky reaches out to grab his hand. He holds onto it even after Steve steadies himself.

He holds onto it as they walk out of the subway and reach the street. All the way to Steve's front door. Steve's not sure if he should ask about it or just let this be one more thing they don't talk about.

Recently, he's realized there are a lot of things on the list that they don't talk about.

"Bucky," he says, just to put something out there.

"Can we just go with it?" His free hand, the one of metal, curls around Steve's hip. "You're the best thing I've got. Maybe the best thing I've ever had. Fuck knows I'm a mess and you-"

"You're my mess," Steve smiles, stepping closer to Bucky, moving into his space. "I'm here."

-

Sam drops down beside Steve, looking around at the mess. "Well, you've stopped them," he says flatly, nudging one unconscious AIM scientist with a toe. Steve gives him a look and hits the computer with the edge of his shield again. "You gonna talk or just risk electrocution?"

"How do you tell someone you might be hopelessly in love with them?"

Sam can hear Redwing laughing in his head and sends back a few curses. "Why can't problems with you be easy? Like, I think I bent my car axle, you know a good mechanic?" he sighs. He figures he must have signed up for this by working with Steve at all. "You're in love?" Steve shrugs and nods, settling down to wait for SHIELD to show up for clean up. "I assume this is with Bucky because Sharon would kill you for pulling a stunt like that right now when she's moved on."

"It's not Sharon. She's happy. Even if I did, I wouldn't do that to her."

"So what's the problem?"

"He has enough problems." He stands a little straighter as agents finally arrive and doesn't say anything further about his emotions or Bucky. Sam keeps an eye on him the entire time even after they're finally dismissed and Steve takes a running leap up onto a fire escape. Sam stretches out his wings and follows Steve up until they're away from the chaos and the noise, above the city.

"You gonna talk to me?" Sam asks.

For a second, Steve thinks Steve isn't going to tell him, just launch himself towards the next roof and the next problem and as far away from this as he can. But then he pushes the cowl back. "He's going through a lot. Trying to get back on the right track."

"And oh no, someone might love him could throw him off?"

"I sound like an idiot don't I?"

"No different than normal."

Steve grins and punches him lightly in the arm. "Come on." He's already pulling the cowl back on, Steve Rogers disappearing under Captain America. He starts running, launching himself onto the next roof, continuing the patrol they had started earlier. They stay out for a few hours more, though they find nothing else, and, for once, no one radios in for help. He can see it's making Steve nervous, their lives don't usually include much quiet

Sam follows Steve back to his place when they finish. It's closer than his own and he wants to catch a few hours of sleep before trying to navigate his way back home. He crashes on the couch while Steve shuffles into his room and he's asleep almost immediately. He stays asleep until the sound of someone moving jerks him awake, his reflexes dragging him back to consciousness. It doesn't sound like a bad guy so he tries to go back to sleep but his body refuses to let him. He gets up reluctantly and follows the noise into the kitchen, deciding to spend his time being awake with other people.

He's not sure why he's surprised when it's Bucky there and not Steve. Bucky freezes with a spoonful of cereal halfway to his mouth. "What…"

"Came over last night, too tired to go home." Bucky nods, accepting that, and goes back to his cereal. Sam watches him for a minute before going to get coffee started.

"I'm sorry," Bucky says when Sam is no longer looking at him. "About…everything."

"Say it."

There's the clatter of the spoon in the bowl and for a second Sam thinks Bucky will chicken out. "For not telling you I wasn't dead. For doing stupid shit." When Sam turns around Bucky is facing him, his real hand tracing the lines in the metal one. "I'm sorry."

"Good."

Bucky's head snaps up and he gives Sam a hard look. "Good?"

"Prove your head is back in the game and I'll even forgive you." He grins and pulls down two mugs. He can hear Bucky go back to eating his cereal. Some of the tension is gone, but there's something different. It’s not that Bucky's relaxes, Sam isn't sure if he even knows the meaning of the word anymore. But he understands without question what Sam is telling him. It's not the same as it used to be, 

And the feeling changes again when Steve joins them. Sam sits back and watches. Steve is like the eye of the storm, bringing a brief moment of calm that Bucky is drawn to. “interrupting anything important?” Steve asks, his fingers running through Bucky’s hair.

“James Bond here was just apologizing for not telling me was really alive,” Sam says. He expects the way Bucky’s head drops but he doesn’t expect Steve’s flinch.

“I’m sorry too, I should have said something,” Steve says.

“I’m surprised you didn’t give it away,” Bucky chimes in, pulling himself together enough to smile.

“I can keep a secret,” Steve protests. He gets himself coffee and Sam doesn’t miss that his fingers go back to Bucky’s hair as soon as he’s close enough again. Sam doesn’t say anything, they need to figure it out on their own. He just hopes it doesn't take them too long. They can only die so many times before their luck simply runs out.

-

Maria sighs and leans back heavily in her chair. Stealing Fury’s asset was probably not her best idea, but she took the entire damn agency from him once so one man shouldn’t cause too many hard feelings. If Fury ever shows his face again. He disappeared before Tarasova’s station exploded. She had given him an hour to get there and clean up the mess before any government even heard about it. When she’d gotten there, there had been nothing and no one but Bucky Barnes and Tesla Tarasova’s body.

Fury had abandoned Barnes with the dead. Maria couldn’t say she was surprised, and it had left her with an interesting dilemma.

According to all the paperwork in front of her, it was even turning into a gamble that could pay off. Barnes was responding well to the therapy. There were apparently episodes, some violent, some where he completely shut down. But the doctor reported change. This would all be fine if she didn’t have to accelerate the timetable.

Someone else could probably do the job, she had other official SHIELD agents, there is always Barton or Romanoff. She looks at Bobbi, sitting across the table from her and she knows there’s no choice. Barnes is just as likely to kill her if he finds out she gave this to someone else.

-

Bucky finds the target in Paris. He took Natasha here, a year or so after they started dating. Steve had still been dead. He’s not sure it’s fair to remember that fact instead of what Natasha was wearing, but it’s like a time table in his head. Everything he does is rated and compared to where Steve is, like a compass.

Natasha had the honor of making the Winter Soldier human, but Steve kept Bucky Barnes human.

His target is looking to sell technology stolen from Department X. Bucky is amazed no one else has gotten to him first, but after a few days of following, Bucky can see that he’s good and smart. The technology is hidden and no one is finding it without the guy’s ok. So even Bucky is stuck just tailing him. After the first day he spots the CIA, MI:6, DCRI and possibly Mossad. Just because he hasn’t seen anyone from the SVR, he has no doubt they’re around too. It won’t take much longer before other agencies are showing up as well.

He sits outside of the Palais Garnier trying to decide the best plan when he notices something out of the corner of his eye. It’s warm out and Paris is crowded with tourists but someone is moving deliberately towards him. Bucky makes no move besides reaching for his gun, using his jacket to hide it from view. It will be a sad waste of a good leather jacket if he has to shoot through it, but he doesn’t doubt he will be able to afford a new one. That’s the grand thing in this new world, everyone is willing to pay with numbers he can’t even imagine.

“Fury?”

“You got out alive Barnes,” Fury takes a seat beside him, giving him an approving smile. Something in it makes Bucky shudder and he doesn’t lower the gun.

“No thanks to you.”

“Believed in you, didn’t have to worry myself.”

Bucky sucks in a sharp breath. The words still make something flare and burn inside of him, _believed in you_ , not many people do and even less say it out loud. Except this is Nick Fury and Bucky pulls himself back, reminding himself that Fury doesn’t do anything without a reason. “What do you want?”

“Have an offer.” Nick looks up at the Palais Garnier. “Beautiful ain’t it. Thought it’d never survive the war.”

“A lot of things managed to survive that weren’t supposed to.” He’s not sure if he’s talking about himself or Fury but both are accurate. Except without them maybe the world would be a lot worse off, he’s learning to stop turning everything he touches to ash.

“A regular cynic, kid,” Fury laughs. “Well the offer is simple. You’re going after Zheglov’s stolen Department X brainwashing tech. Tried and true. He’s got a good marketing slogan: create the next Winter Soldier.” Fury looks Bucky in the eye. “I want it. Let me have it, lie to Hill that you destroyed it - which in all fairness is entirely believable - and we’re done.”

It would be easy, childishly easy. No one would question that Bucky destroyed the device that played a role in destroying him. Except Hill is taking a gamble on him. Just like Phillips and Steve did. Agreeing would be a betrayal of all of that. He returns the gun to his holster, not trying to be subtle with it anymore, Fury likely knew it was there from the start. “Get lost.”

“Barnes-” He reaches out, making to grab Bucky’s arm to stop him from leaving but Bucky’s faster. He grabs Fury’s fingers first, squeezing them slowly in his metal hand.

“We were done the second you left me to die in Tarasova’s space station. I don’t owe you shit.”

It’s childish to storm away, but Bucky enjoys the feeling. 

-

Steve sits on his hands when Bucky is called up. He doesn’t like this. Everything about Bucky screams that this is still too soon and last time Steve wasn’t there to protect him, to keep him from pushing too hard.

After an hour of sitting around and watching the news, as if there would be any hint as to Bucky’s mission there, he gets on his uniform and goes out on patrol.

It’s good to get out, to move. It keeps him from thinking too much about the little things, about the feeling of Bucky pressed against him every night these days, staying into the morning. About the slow cautious smiles as Bucky relearned back things about interacting. He finds himself overlooking Battery Park. It’s finally warm out and there’s people moving around, couples and families. Friends joking and laughing together.

Talking.

He needs to talk to Bucky. It’s been gnawing at him since Bucky stumbled into SHIELD and honed in on him, obviously before he’d even showered. There had been blood under his nails and bags under his eyes and they kissed and Steve let it go without talking. He needs Bucky to come home. The pockets of bad guys around the city at least keep him busy, but it’s the call from the Avengers at two in the morning that lets him take out the rest of the emotions boiling under his skin.

There’s an asteroid impact high up towards the Arctic emitting weird radiation. It gave them some aliens to fight and the scientists with them were thrilled with the specimens to study. He feels worn out by the time he gets home and Bucky is at the back of his mind.

He stumbles to a halt when he walks into the bedroom and finds Bucky in bed, curled tightly around Steve’s pillow. Steve carefully pries the pillow out of his arms and slides into its place before Bucky can wake up. It earns him a sleepy smile and Bucky tucks his head under Steve’s chin. 

When Steve wakes up, only a few hours later, Bucky’s already up but he’s stayed in bed, a book open in his lap. “What are you reading?” Steve asks quietly, shifting closer just to touch. He can’t remember when it became so important to touch Bucky, maybe it was watching him die the second time, not being told about the serum given to him. He needs Bucky to be alive and he needs to feel it.

Bucky seems welcoming to all of Steve’s touches recently, even now his hand slides over Steve’s shoulder, fingertips resting lightly on his side. “It’s just a kids book with the Greek gods running around. Picked it up after the mission while waiting for my pick up.”

“It’s in French.”

“And now you know where I was.”

Steve glances up, trying to gauge Bucky’s feelings but Bucky is keeping his expression neutral. “Tell me,” Steve asks, hoping his voice doesn’t come across as pleading, but he realizes he doesn’t give a damn even if it does. 

The book gets set aside and Bucky slides down so he’s at the same level as Steve. “Tell you what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.” Anything for Steve to hear Bucky’s voice again. He remembers when Bucky was young, when it was impossible to shut him up, when everything seemed to excite him. Steve remembers the first time he saw the haunted look in Bucky’s eyes, and he’d had no words but Steve could touch, could fuck him until Bucky’s silence broke.

Now, he makes himself wait, be patient. Sex can’t fix this, if it could, they wouldn’t have any problems.

“Someone had sold the same technology used to mess with my memory. Maria thought it’d be something I wanted to handle personally.” He licks his lips nervously. “I know- I know you don’t like it when I run off on missions but I had to. If it helps, Hill was incredibly peeved about sending me out.” Steve touches Bucky’s cheek, only wanting to touch but Bucky trails off. “I thought- It doesn’t matter. I’m here.” He turns his head to nuzzle Steve’s hand.

“Yea, you are.”

“You don’t care? Not knowing?”

"I care, but it doesn’t matter. It’s your shit, I’ll help as I can. Just don't cut me out completely.” Steve kisses him. They’re so close, he doesn’t want to resist. Bucky sighs softly and kisses back, twisting them so Steve is on top. A heavy weight on top of him. “This isn’t just sex anymore.” The words escape before he can help it, he’d been thinking them too much recently. Since Bucky had come back and the first thing they’d done when alone was fuck but it wasn't enough.

Bucky sucks in a sharp breath, twisting his head away from the kiss but exposing his neck. Steve resists pressing kisses there and just rests his forehead, feeling Bucky’s pulse. “I know,” Bucky whispers. “Missed when it changed. But I know.”

“Ok?”

“Yea, yea it’s okay.”

-

Bucky stares at himself in the mirror. It’s been over two months now since he’d watched Tesla Tarasova die. Since she’d smirked with blood on her lips, told him how the future was waiting. He could change it if he only let go. His fingers tighten around the sink, the metal digging in hard enough to leave cracks in the porcelain. In the mirror he sees a procession, those he’s killed and it all ends with her. The woman he created with a bullet.

She made everything seem so simple. Just let go. But he’d heard Steve had been in Medical and his feet had taken him there on their own. There is no letting go of Steve. He’s defined by Steve, he doesn’t know how to be any other way. If he wants to be any different.

The porcelain creaks under his hands and he finally notices them. All he has to do is let go of the sink, the rest can come later. 

He focuses carefully on his hands, and then on each finger, carefully loosening each one. With the sink released, he runs his hands through his hair. It’s still long enough to tie back. Personal hygiene had been at the bottom of his to do list for awhile. He sees Steve poke his head into the bathroom through the mirror, probably making sure Bucky hasn’t tried to kill himself. It’s never come up, but Bucky has no doubt his therapist has told certain people to keep an eye out for suicidal behavior.

“Why do you put up with me?” 

Steve frowns and moves so he’s standing in the doorframe. “Because, I- I want to.”

“Bullshit. Sweet, but bullshit.” He turns to face him, resisting the urge to hide behind his hair. His arms cross defensively, it’s a small comfort with Steve so focused on him. “Why?”

“I’m better with you. Always have been.”

“I went to Natasha first.”

“Well, I was dead.” He closes the space between them, moving carefully as if Bucky is some kind of animal. Maybe he is. It’s easier then being human. Steve’s hands come to rest on his hips, and Bucky’s entire body reacts on instinct, wanting to arch forward. To lose himself in Steve.

“There was a moment,” he closes his eyes as he talks. It’s been so long since he’s thought about that day on the Lincoln Memorial steps. It’s easier to focus without Steve’s bright blue eyes so close. “When the Skull had your body and I thought I’d have to kill you all over again.”

“Ah come on, way to give up hope on me.”

“Sorry.” Bucky manages to smile, giving in and touching. He stares at his fingers as they curl around Steve’s shoulders, just like they curled around the sink. Except Steve has a strength underneath his skin, he won’t be as easy to break.

“Do you want to talk?” There’s a hitch in Steve’s voice, as if he’s been considering that single sentence for a lot longer than a few seconds. “You don’t have to, but I’m here. Might be better to have a friendly face than whoever they gave you at SHIELD.” Bucky cuts off his rambling with a kiss, holding onto the nape of his neck as it slowly deepens. Some things are easy with Steve, sex has always been easy.

The way Steve’s hands slide over his ass, warm even through his briefs, is familiar. They’ve done this countless times, since Bucky was sixteen. It had started as two friends helping each other, needing release and an escape from the shit around them. But the way they kiss now is nothing like those days.

Steve is asking for something more than what they had, asking if he can put words to it. Except Bucky isn’t ready yet. There’s too much hanging on his head. Loose ends.

“Remember when you’d give me a haircut?” Bucky ducks his head, feeling silly for even asking the question. His hair falls over his eyes, and he can’t see anything of Steve except for his chest. It’s childish, hiding from Steve like this. Except it feels kind of good to be childish, he hasn’t been able to be a kid in a very long time.

Steve blinks and Bucky’s stomach drops. Maybe it was a memory Steve never found that important. “Back during the war?” He asks, and Bucky feels the tension in his stomach ease. Steve remembers, the memory is real. “When Jackie teased you about looking like...” He trails off with a laugh, curling his fingers in Bucky’s hair. “If she could see you now.”

Bucky grimaces. “Maybe you could skip inviting Jackie over until after you cut it again?”

“Why not a salon? It’s not like I ever knew what I was doing.”

He looks up at Steve, surprised by his nervousness. Somewhere along the way, Bucky thinks he forgot Steve is human. It isn’t hard, Steve is such an ideal. Bucky has to remind himself that Steve can feel fear, even if he’s never been good at showing it. His fingers are still tangled in Bucky’s hair so he tilts his head slightly, so Steve’s fingers brush his cheek. “I trust you.”

Steve looks stunned, as if he can’t even understand the words, but then his lips are on Steve’s, kissing Steve like Bucky just declared his undying love. Maybe in their crazy life, trust is even better.

They set up in the kitchen, away from any mirrors. Steve gives him a second to consider and then chops it all off in one go. Bucky breathes a soft sigh, already feeling lighter. Steve dips down to press a kiss to the back of his neck. “Been wanting to do that for awhile.”

“If you finish this quickly, you can kiss me anywhere you want.”

Steve’s thumb brushes the back of his neck, ghosting over the spot his lips had just touched, making Bucky shiver. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

-

Hill calls Bucky into SHIELD the next morning, Steve follows along without a word. He knows Bucky’s an adult, he has faced worse than Maria Hill, but watching him walk out of the front door alone feels like a betrayal.

Bucky doesn’t say anything about Steve’s company but reaches for his hand during the drive there.

Hill gives them an appreciative look when they step in, gesturing for them to sit but otherwise not saying anything. Steve notices right away that they’re not alone. “Sitwell?” Bucky goes rigid beside him.

“Surprise?” Sitwell says weakly. “It was an LMD on the table.”

“Did a better job than me at playing dead,” Bucky interrupts, looking away from Jasper and at Hill. And that’s the end of it. While Steve needs a little bit of time to look at Sitwell and internalize he’s still alive, Bucky is ready to move on. Steve can never forget that this is the world he’s lived in since he was fifteen and shipped off to Britain to train, but sometimes he forgets the impact that has. “You wanted to talk to me?”

She leans back in her chair. “I did. You handled your last mission well, better than expected.” Steve has to bite his tongue at the way Bucky sits a little bit straighter. Underneath the gruff bravado, he’s still a kid. Still only a teenager in over his head, looking for someone’s approval and all these directors at SHIELD have known that and played on that.

“It was easy, just get in, break some things.” Bucky ducks his head as if his hair is still enough to hide behind. Steve risks reaching over so his fingers brush Bucky’s thigh. Bucky's eyes dart over and Steve thinks he can see some of the tension in him disappear. He hopes he's not just imagining that.

“Your tendency to be hot headed under pressure make you a gamble,” she says, no change in her expression to give any hint what she’s actually thinking. They could be discussing the weather. Bucky slumps a little but doesn’t argue. A good little soldier. “Would you like to handle something with more responsibility?”

“I- yes ma’am.”

Sitwell finally steps forward. “Overall it’s a simple assignment, but it has to be done and you’re the only guy for it.” He sits on the edge of Maria’s desk and looks right at Bucky. “If you’re not ready, we understand.” He hands a thin file to Bucky. Inside there’s only a single sheet of paper. Steve carefully averts his eyes, letting Bucky have a moment alone to consider whatever his orders are.

“Once you do this, you’re not suddenly free from the other terms of our agreement,” Maria says while he thinks about the assignment. “If you’re going to work for this agency, you’re not allowed to run off on some crusade against your past.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a long time. Steve is about ready to take the file from him just to see what it says, figure out if he can do anything to help. He wants to be there for Bucky, and wants to take advantage that Bucky seems to be letting him. But now he’s lost, and everyone is talking over his head. “Where is she?” Bucky finally asks, his voice sounding thick and rough. Holding back emotions that Steve can’t even begin to name.

“Right now?” Sitwell pauses to check his watch. “On the flight deck.”

Bucky pushes the file in Steve’s hands and pauses just long enough to tell Steve he’ll be back shortly, and then he’s out the door. Steve looks down at the file before Sitwell or Hill can tell him no. The orders are simple and so obvious. A final piece of closure.

Steve lets out a breath that had been sitting in the back of his throat. He trusts Bucky can do this. Bucky came back to him, maybe because he didn’t see a choice, but he showed up in that Medical room and the least Steve can do now is trust him to handle this one final thing.

-

The mission hadn’t gone to plan, so Sharon is grateful when she feels the Quinjet touch down on the Helicarrier. She’s looking forward to going home, perhaps a shower. She glances at Natasha out of the corner of her eye, trying to get a read on her but it’s never been easy.

“I will do the debrief with the Director,” Natasha says. “You can go home.”

Sharon knows it isn’t a dismissal, they’re equals but it still makes her shoulders tense. “I can handle a teenager yelling at me.”

Natasha looks like she’s going to argue but then finally shrugs and leads the way out of the jet. Sharon almost runs into her when she stops right on the flight deck. She has to jump off so she's not stuck on the ramp, and can see what the obstruction is.

“Can I help you?” Natasha asks, voice stiff with emotion.

Bucky licks his lips nervously. He hasn't dealt with the emotions as well. “You know."

“I read the files.” She doesn’t say that she’s done work with Dr. Strange as well as Tony Stark and recovered some of the damaged memories. Some will likely be lost until her brain heals itself, but she has enough to understand. Sharon's sat by her side for some of those tests, held her hand because it wasn't a time for anyone to be alone. “I don’t need an apology for disappearing. I understand the logic.”

“Even though you don’t agree.”

Natasha shrugs. “What I think shouldn’t matter. You needed to go off and fix yourself, I can’t do it for you.” She starts to make her way around him but his hand reaches out, stopping just before it touches her. It's not clear if he's trying to hold her back or draw her in. “You’re not the man I cared for in Russia, and I am not the woman who made the Winter Soldier feel human. Not anymore. It’s better like this.”

To Natasha’s obvious surprise, and even Sharon’s, Bucky smiles. “Yea, I know that now. Our thing...it was good at first, but we- I held on too long," Bucky says.

“So what’s the point of this?” 

“Closure. I wanted to say- Sorry doesn’t really feel right.”

“Because it’s not.” She turns to face him straight on and takes his hand in hers, giving it a warm squeeze. “Good luck James,” she says. There's no doubt that she means the words. Sharon and Bucky watch her walk away, head held high.

“I used to really think she was it,” Bucky says softly, barely audible over the noise of the Helicarrier. He looks lighter, less weighed down then when she saw him that first day back when he could barely hold his head up. Sharon realizes that his hair is short too. He's slowly becoming the man who had once been able to carry the shield and Steve's legacy on his shoulders. It's a good look on him, Sharon never realized how much she had missed it before now.

“And now?”

“Think I’m ready to remember who Bucky is and what he likes.” He blushes and his smile becomes shy, like a little boy trying to flirt for the first time. “That sounds silly, doesn’t it.”

“A little.” She leans over and kisses him on the cheek. “Now, go enjoy your boyfriend's company. Pretty sure Bucky Barnes has always liked Steve Rogers best.” It’s worth it to hear him choke up, she’ll have to remember to say that to Steve’s face sometime just for his reaction.

-

Steve is waiting in the car when Bucky is finished, stretched across the back seat with a book.. Sometimes it still hits him how weird this world is, flying cars, aliens and brainwashing. He read penny novels about all this as a kid. He taps his metal fingers against the hood of the car to get Steve’s attention.

“Ready to go home?” Bucky asks.

Steve smiles and moves from the back seat to the front. “Yea. The mission went well?”

“Yea. Perfectly.” He waits until they’re in the air and heading back down to New York before reaching across the seat. He curls his fingers in the back of Steve’s shirt, his thumb brushing Steve's neck. “Hey, Rogers?” Steve turns his head enough so Bucky knows he’s looking at him. He doesn’t think twice, knowing if he did, he’d talk himself out of it, so Bucky slides closer and presses a kiss to Steve’s lips. It’s rushed so Steve doesn’t crash, but Bucky stays close afterward. “I’m ready to talk,” he whispers.

Steve doesn’t do anything until they touch ground and then he turns the car off. Bucky finds himself surrounded by him, one of Steve’s hands on his cheek, close enough they could almost kiss. But Steve pauses and waits for Bucky. “What are we doing?” Steve whispers back, breath hot on Bucky’s cheek. “Where are we going?”

“Fuck, I don’t know Steve.” He laughs breathlessly as it suddenly hits him that this is his future right here. Everything he had been running away from while trying to apologize for his past watching him with big blue eyes. “I-” He looks up at Steve’s building, at the closest thing he’s ever had to home. Even when Steve was dead and Bucky moved into his place, it had been Steve’s or it had been the Avengers. Calling it his hand never felt quite right. Having some place permanent, where he belonged, was something other people enjoyed but never him. “This is a good thing though, isn’t it?”

“Me and you? We’ve always been good together.” Steve moves closer to press a kiss to his cheek. Even though he stays close, there’s something simple and chaste about it. Testing the boundaries. “So any chance of getting you back into the blue jacket and shorts?”

“Fuck you.” Steve laughs against his cheek and Bucky stops resisting, twisting to catch his lips. “But, maybe if you ask really nicely?” Steve’s eyes get wide and Bucky takes the chance to get out of the car, beckoning for Steve to follow. It feels good the way Steve follows, the way Steve stays focused on him. “Hey Steve, I- I need to tell you-” He stammers to a halt because it’s still too much to put it into words.

“I know, I know. Me too.”

Bucky lets out a sigh of relief. Everyone wants him to let go of everything. Even Steve, though he would never say as much. But Bucky doesn’t want to let go of this. “Tesla ended up dead,” he whispers. “I should have saved her, but I couldn’t. She was in my arms Steve.”

“Did you try?”

“Yes but-”

Steve presses his thumb to Bucky’s lips, stopping his protest. “We don’t get everything right. It hurts, but sometimes-” Bucky knows what he's thinking about, he can see it in Steve's eyes. So he takes his face firmly in both hands and makes Steve look at him.

"Hey, I'm right here Steve." Bucky pushes forward, kissing Steve hard. "Right here," he whispers. It feels good, like he's solid and real for the first time in months or years. 

Steve smiles, his whole face lights up and maybe he feels it too. "So can I invite you inside, Mr. Barnes?"

"Please." His voice cracks and he feels so young even though when Steve takes his hand, Bucky's no longer dwarfed by him. They're equals. When they're inside, Steve lets go of his hand, pushing him to the bedroom. Bucky sinks down gratefully, not caring he still has his shoes on.

"Welcome home," Steve murmurs as he sinks down beside him. His fingers run through Bucky's hair, gently urging him to look up at Steve.

"Home?"

Steve leans down to kiss him, slow and sweet and Bucky drags him down closer until he's a heavy weight on top of him. The guilt still twists in his gut. He's here and so many aren't. He's held the dead and dying in his arms and now he holds Steve. Steve whose heart pounds hard enough for them both, who has never stopped reaching for him.

The least Bucky can do is reach back.

"Any hint of your next mission?" Steve asks.

"None, don't want to talk about it. Might jinx it and if Hill calls right now-"

Steve shuts him up with a kiss. "Then we won't." Steve kisses him, one kiss fading into another until Bucky's no longer even thinking of Maria Hill and missions. It's just them. 

-

Bucky shields his eyes against the surge of wind as the Quinjet lowers down in front of him.

"Took them long enough," Sharon grumbles, resting her arm on his shoulder. Bucky laughs, trying to hide it behind his hand as the door opens and the Avengers with Captain America in the lead jump out.

"That's the problem with these big name heroes," Bucky says. "There's no cameras here for them to pose in front of. Captain."

Steve rolls his eyes at them but there's a hint of a smile on his lips. "Tell me what was so important two of SHIELD's best asked for our help."

Sharon shrugs. "Just radioactive mutated frogs that might threaten the local populace unless someone can get in there and destroy the irradiated chamber they're coming out of." She stands up straight. "Think you can handle that part while Barnes and I handle keeping the situation out here contained."

Steve claps Bucky on the shoulder. "I think you guys called in the right people."

"Knew that already Steve. Stay safe," Bucky murmurs before glancing at Sharon. She gives a small nod and together they head back into the woods to do their part.

"What are you thinking?" Sharon asks. Working with Bucky, she's learned that all his silences are different. Sometimes he's only quiet, but other times, he's screaming to say something.

"Just thinking about when this is all done and we get to go home." He smirks at her and loosens his gun in it's holster. "You know what post mission sex is like with Steve."

She bites back her laughter. "Yea ok, just don't let it distract you too much."

"Can't go home if I do something stupid. Ready?" They're close enough they can smell the frogs. It's a thick swampy smell that seems to slowly seep into everything.

"Ready. Let's save the world."


End file.
